


i had a few, got drunk on you (and now i'm wasted)

by derheck



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: F/F, blind dates, give Lucretia a girlfriend 2018, no angst here but there almost was
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-28
Updated: 2018-03-28
Packaged: 2019-04-13 23:53:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14123574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/derheck/pseuds/derheck
Summary: The bartender takes one look at Lucretia’s face as she sits down at the bar after another date, and huffs a laugh.  “I’ll take it this Fantasy Match first date won’t lead to a second date either?”“Nope,” Lucretia says, popping the ‘p’ and taking a swig of the wine glass that had been ready for her.  "She proposed to me fifteen minutes in, after spending thirteen of those minutes talking about her ex.”The bartender laughs.  “Yikes.  I can’t blame her, though, you’re a catch, babe,” she winks.Aka Lucretia's friends set her up on a few blind dates and they all go horribly, but it's okay because she finds love elsewhere.





	i had a few, got drunk on you (and now i'm wasted)

**Author's Note:**

> i'm in a big lucretia loving mood today  
> (ps this is unbeta'd bc i just wanted it done and published...)

It’s a little over a year after Killian and Carey’s wedding that her friends decide she needs a girlfriend or date mate of some sort.  Lucretia, of course, insists that _no thank you, she’s fine alone, she really doesn’t need anyone, Magnus, she really is fine_.  

 

And even though she thinks deep down that some company might be nice, she’s relieved when they finally drop the subject.  Or rather, she thought they’d dropped it. As it turned out, her good, very well meaning friends had gone behind her back to set up a Fantasy Match dot com account for her _and_ set her up on a few dates, each one having chosen a person for her.  

 

“I’m sorry, you did _what_?” Lucretia asks, rubbing her temples and squinting at Magnus’s beaming face.  

 

“Got you set up for a hot date tonight,” Magnus says again, showing her the dating app on his stone of far speech.

 

“I have-”

 

“You do not have plans, Lucretia, I checked your schedule and also cleared it with everyone to leave you free tonight.”

 

“I…,” she trails off.  “Magnus, I… I don’t…” She doesn’t know what to say; she’s anxious as hell, a date is something huge, she needs to _prepare_ for shit like this, it can’t just be sprung on her.  

 

“Hey, Lucy,” Magnus says gently, calling her an old nickname, one she hadn’t heard in years.  His eyes are soft as they meet hers. “We’re just worried about you. We’ve saved the universe and everyone is getting their happy ending.  You deserve one, too. One that isn’t just working and taking care of everyone else. If you really don’t want this, then I will cancel the date right now, we can look into getting you a hobby or a dog.  We just wanted you to have fun, go out and do stuff.”

 

Emotions swell in her chest; she hadn’t ever considered settling down or getting a happy ending or having fun.  Part of her didn’t think she deserved it, given how she’d betrayed her friends, her family. Yes, she did it for a reason and she probably wouldn’t change a thing, but after taking so much away from those she loved most, did she really deserve anything good?  

 

Sensing her hesitance, Magnus takes out his stone of far speech.  “Okay, I’m cancelling the date right now-,” he begins. Lucretia notices he looked a little deflated, probably disappointed his idea hadn’t worked out.  

 

“No, Magnus, don’t,” she sighs.  “I’ll go on the damn date.”

 

Magnus lets out a whoop and hugs her.  She fights back a smile and lets herself relax into the hug, something she never realizes she misses until she’s enveloped in a Magnus Burnsides Bear Hug.

 

“I don’t appreciate you springing this on me, though,” she says wryly.  “I’m still pissed at you for that.”

 

“Yes, but if I’d given you anything other than a couple hours notice, you would have figured a way out of it,” he replies happily, giving her a squeeze.

 

* * *

 

Lucretia is seated at a table, sipping at her wine nervously, mentally going over the rundown Magnus had given her on her date’s profile.  Judie was an Elven attorney in Neverwinter, held in high regards by many powerful people (said a quick Fantasy Google search), specializing in criminal defense.  She likes wine tasting, relaxing beach getaways, and horseback riding. They seemed like romantic hobbies, Lucretia figures, and her exchanges with her Magnus seemed nice enough, albeit very candid.  

 

She’d gotten to the bar five minutes early to being ten minutes early and was on her second glass of wine.  She had pretty much chugged the first glass and was trying hard to savor this second one, taking small(er) sips and looking around the bar.  It was very nice, casual, with an air of sophistication to it. Definitely a great first date setting for one of the Seven Birds and some hotshot attorney.  

 

Roughly five minutes after the set time, Judie comes strolling into the bar, heels clicking on the floor and deep frown on her face.  She yells into her stone of far speech, telling some assistant that they’d better have that paperwork ready by tomorrow, either not caring or not noticing that she is attracting the stares of a few patrons.  She reaches the table and nods curtly in greeting, hanging up on her assistant as they’re mid-sentence.

 

“You must be Lucretia,” she says, reaching out a hand.  “I’m Judie.”

 

“Pleased,” Lucretia replies, taking her hand and shaking it over the table.  

 

“So your friend- Magno, was it?- tells me you’re getting back into the dating pool?” she asks, taking a seat.  

 

“Ah, yes-” Lucretia begins to answer awkwardly, but is suddenly interrupted by the ringing of Judie’s stone of farspeech.  

 

“One minute,” Judie tells her, picking up the stone.  “What is it.”

 

She listens to her assistant ramble about how a client just called them, upset over something trivial, and rolls her eyes.  “Yes, fine, I’ll take care of it,” she snaps. “I hope you don’t mind me making a quick call,” Judie tells her, not bothering to look in her direction as she dials the client’s frequency.  “Jerry, baby!” she greets, at the client’s gruff hello.

 

Lucretia sips her wine, fiddling with her bracelet and looking around the bar, trying to ignore the sympathetic glances directed her way.  Judie’s conversation seems to be dragging on, her frequent obnoxious and fake laugh ringing throughout the room. She reassures the client that she’ll take care of everything, not to worry about any little thing (what she was reassuring Jerry about, Lucretia had lost track of ten “Jerry, baby!”s ago).  She hangs up and sighs before looking at Lucretia.

 

“Listen, Lucy- can I call you Lucy?- you seem like a nice gal, but this isn’t going to work out between us.  Thanks, for the drink, though,” she winks, before standing up and walking off.

 

“But… _you didn’t order anything,_ ” Lucretia whispers to herself, bewildered, as she watches Judie walk out of the bar.  She groans softly, sending Magnus a quick text telling him his wingman privileges are revoked, and walks to the bar, wine glass in hand.

 

Once seated, she takes a gulp of the wine, letting herself savor it as she set the glass on the counter.  She’s reeling, still, from that date. Clueless at what the fuck just happened.

 

“Want me to top ya?” asks someone, who had definitely not been there a few seconds ago (she hopes).  

 

Lucretia sputters, choking on her wine, “What?”

 

“Top off your glass, y’know.  Get you a refill.” Ah, so it was the bartender.  “Unless you want a different drink? I make a mean Fuzzy Nipple,” the bartender says, waggling her brows and sweeping her hand through the flames on her head.  

 

Lucretia snorts.  “Just wine is fine, thank you.”

 

“Suit yourself,” the bartender shrugs, filling up Lucretia’s glass and sliding it to her.  “On the house.”

 

“Oh, no, it’s fine, I can pay-”

 

“Don’t worry about it,” the bartender says, “Looks like you need a nice lil’ something something, after that disastrous… first date?  Break up?”

 

“First date,” Lucretia clarifies.   “First date in a looong time,” she says, taking a sip of her newly filled wine glass.  God, this wine was really making her loose lipped. “My friends made a Fantasy Match dot com account for me behind my back.  And set up multiple dates for me. Because they’re worried about my wellbeing.” Geez, what was in this wine?

 

“Ohhh, Fantasy Match, huh?  Y’know Fantasy Match has more dates, more relationships, and more marriages than any other site.”  

 

Lucretia snorts.  “You sound like one of their commercials.”

 

“It’s just basic information, like knowing that Fantasy Match first dates lead to more second dates.”

 

“Not this Fantasy Match first date,” Lucretia mutters, downing the rest of her wine, shuttering yet again over that bizarre encounter.  

 

The bartender laughs and refilled her glass.  “Well, there’s always next time.”

 

* * *

 

Said next time was Carey and Killian’s pick.  

 

Carey and Killian, who had decided that Lucretia needs a little more adventure in her life, setting her up with a human woman named Syd.  

 

Syd is, in a word, _earthy_.  

 

As in, it looks like she’d been rolling around in mud for the past few days and maybe taken a small wet wipe to her face in preparation for this date.  

 

“Hello, Syd,” Lucretia greets her, as she walks into the same bar as her date with Judie.  “I hope you haven’t been waiting too long for me?” She thanks Istus for allowing her to arrive fifteen minutes late, yet again.  She would have hated to be sort of late for this date.

 

“I was, just a bit, ye. I got started without ‘cha,” Syd says, gesturing at the five empty beer mugs in front of her.  

 

“Oh, uh.  Well, I’m sorry about that.  But, uhm, I thought we were scheduled to meet at seven?”

 

“Oh, I dunno,” Syd shrugs.  “Work got off early, thought I’d come here and relax.  By the way, are you good to pay for this? I sorta left my wallet at home.”  

 

“I’d be happy to,” Lucretia answers, politely, not knowing this would be the beginning of the worst three hour date of her life.  

 

Twelve beers and two appetizers later, Syd leaves, at which point Lucretia goes to the bar and sits down, rubbing at the bridge of her nose.  

 

“Another Fantasy Match success story?” asks the bartender from before.  

 

“She forgot her wallet at home and asked if I was good to pay for it before ordering twelve beers and two appetizers,” Lucretia groans.  “Gods, and there were like five beers before _that_.  I don’t even want to know how much that’ll cost me.”

 

The bartender whistles.  “Your date just made you pay for one month of rent for this place.”

 

Lucretia puts her face in her hands and replies, a bit muffled, “I can’t tell if you’re joking or not.”  

 

“I am,” the bartender says, sounding amused.  “Maybe a Blow Job will make you feel better.”

 

Lucretia raises her head and makes eye contact with the bartender, who looks at her innocently.  

 

“Or maybe a Screaming Orgasm,” Lucretia replies, dryly, raising an eyebrow.  “I’ve heard those are good.”

 

The bartender’s already red complexion grows redder as she stares open mouthed at Lucretia.  “One, uh,” she clears her throat, growing redder when she sees Lucretia’s smirk, and _is that steam coming from her ears?_ “… One Screaming Orgasm coming right up.”

 

* * *

 

The bartender takes one look at Lucretia’s face as she sits down at the bar after another date, and huffs a laugh.  “I’ll take it this Fantasy Match first date won’t lead to a second date either?”

 

“Nope,” Lucretia says, popping the ‘p’ and taking a swig of the wine glass that had been ready for her.  Avi’s pick for her had been some pediatrician named Francine, who liked painting, volunteering at the animal shelter, and going to concerts.  “She proposed to me fifteen minutes in, after spending thirteen of those minutes talking about her ex.”

 

The bartender laughs.  “Yikes. I can’t blame her, though, you’re a catch, babe,” she winks, earning a playful glare from Lucretia.  “Sucks that there’s not gonna be a summer wedding, though, I had already bought a nice tea set from your registry.”  

 

Lucretia huffs, “Please, everyone knows spring weddings are more romantic.”  

 

“Sure, if you like sneezing through your vows because pollen is a bitch.”

 

“You can take allergy pills,” Lucretia says, rolling her eyes but laughing all the same.  “Seriously, though, two of my good friends got married in the spring. There’s something… pure, I guess, about two people in love being wed and officially starting their life together as nature blooms and is reborn around them…” she trails off, a little lost in thought, and realizes a few seconds later that the bartender is looking at her with what she could only explain as fondness.

 

“I guess that’s worth the sneezing,” the bartender says softly, looking into her eyes and giving Lucretia the same butterflies in her stomach that Lup had given her decades ago.  “Almost.”

 

“What’s your name?” Lucretia blurts out, suddenly.  She flushes. “We’re acquainted well enough, I think, and I’ve just been calling you the bartender in my head-”

 

“Xexilia,” the bartender replies, amused.

 

“Xexilia,” Lucretia repeats.  “I’m Lucretia.”

 

“I know,” Xexilia says.  “Hard to not know who you are after you saved the world and all.  Thanks for that, by the way.”

 

“Oh, sure.  All in a day’s work.”

 

“Sure, sure.”

 

They make idle chat and at the back of her mind, Lucretia wonders if Xexilia will get fired to not putting enough attention to other patrons.  There’s a pleased feeling that bubbles inside her, however, as she continues to draw Xexilia’s attention towards her.

 

* * *

 

Merle’s choice for her, a poem writing, coffee enthusiast professor, stands her up.  But as she spends the night listening to Xexilia’s laughter, talking about old adventures and anecdotes, she can’t bring herself to mind.  

 

It’s not until the last patron pays their tab that Lucretia realizes she’s managed to stay to until closing.  She apologizes profusely, really hoping she hadn’t been an inconvenience or overstayed her welcome. Xexilia assures her that she’s fine and that she’s the best sort of company.  

 

“It would be nice to talk with you outside of a work setting,” Xexilia muses, motioning to her blue aproned uniform.  “I’d get all dressed up for you and everything.”

 

“Chug and Squeeze,” Lucretia all but shouts.  “There’s a Chug and Squeeze class tomorrow night, if you’re off.  It can be fun, you know, doing art and getting tipsy. I usually go every two weeks or so.  If you’re interested.”

 

Xexilia smiles at her, flushing slightly.  “That sounds lovely.”

 

* * *

 

Lucretia doesn’t really expect for Xexilia to show up, honestly.  However, as she begins to set up her usual table in the back of the room, out of the way from the couples and groups coming in together, she can’t help but eagerly look at the door anytime it opens.

 

She’s zoned out, though, staring at the clay on her table, debating whether or not to set up two different work spots, when a voice comes from behind her.

 

“Girl, are you oolong?  Because you’re a hot tea.”

 

Lucretia feels her face warm, her heart leaping at the familiar voice.   She turns around to greet Xexilia with a deadpan expression replies in a her most Madam Director-esque voice, “I prefer chamomile.”   

 

Xexilia throws her head back in laughter before hugging her, as a greeting.  She smells really nice, Lucretia thinks, like burning wood and vanilla.

 

“You’ll have to explain this whole thing to me,” Xexilia says.  “My only experience in art is fingerpainting. When I was like five.”  

 

Lucretia smiles and begins to explain to her how to cut the clay and get air bubbles out so it wouldn’t explode in the kiln.  She doesn’t really have to touch Xexilia’s hands so much, but Xexilia doesn’t seem to mind.

 

They continue their session with talk ranging from their hobbies (Xexilia likes cross stitching, Lucretia learns, which prompts Lucretia to remind her that she’d said her last experience in art was fingerpainting at age five.  Xexilia says that was just something dumb she’d said to make her smile. Lucretia tries not to blush and fails) to their previous professions (Xexilia used to be a bard, before she opened up the bar. Lucretia looks at her with a blank expression before whispering “ _Holy fuck, you’re a bardtender,”_ causing Xexilia to give a surprised, ugly snort).

 

Much like with their previous nights together, this night goes much too quickly for Lucretia’s liking.  They’re at the sink, washing the clay off their hands and the glaze off their brushes, when Lucretia asks Xexilia if she’d like to do this again sometime.

 

Xexilia bites her lip and smiles at her, saying, “Oh, so do I get a second date?”  

 

“Second… date?”

 

Xexilia looks at her in horror.  “Fuck. Was this not a date? Shit.   _Shit_ , sorry.  I thought?  It’s totally okay if this wasn’t a date, friends is cool too!”  She looks mortified and is waving her hands around, as if she were trying to wave away any residual embarrassment.  

 

“No, wait.  You thought this was a date?” Lucretia asks.  

 

“I mean, you don’t gotta rub it in,” Xexilia mutters.  Her face is redder than Lucretia has ever seen it and that’s _definitely_ steam coming from her ears.  “I’m sorry, I had just thought that you had been flirting with me too and honestly let’s just pretend I never said anything.”

 

“You were flirting with me?”  Lucretia says, somewhat bewildered.  “I thought… you were just being friendly.”  

 

Nervous, incredulous laughter comes from Xexilia.  “I was absolutely flirting with you and now I may have ruined whatever this was and I’m sorry-”

 

“I like you,” Lucretia says, interrupting Xexilia’s nervous babbling.  “A lot.” She takes her hand, still wet and soapy, and continues. “I’ve liked you for a long while, so much that I started looking forward to those shitty dates because I knew you’d be there afterwards.  I just. Didn’t want to assume about this being a date or anything. But, I wouldn’t mind if it were.”

 

Xexilia looks at her and beams and is so breathtaking it makes Lucretia’s heart hurt.  

 

“Well, I guess we’re unintentionally a Fantasy Match dot com success story, huh?”

 

“Fuck Fantasy Match dot com,” Lucretia intones, completely serious, smiling at Xexilia’s responding laughter.

 

* * *

 

Her friends are, of course, thrilled to hear she’s got a girlfriend.  All except for Lup, who pouts, saying she was sure her blind date would have swept her off her feet.  

 

“It was the Raven Queen, Lucy.  Y’all would have been perfect together.”

 

(She stops saying this after she meets Xexilia, however, who Lup now says is perfect for Lucretia, after Xexilia outdrinks her the first time they meet.)

  


**Author's Note:**

> ahhh, i wrote this monster in like two sittings bc i apparently either don't ever write or write an entire eight page fic in one afternoon 
> 
> btw xexilia is pronounced like cecilia also she's a fire genasi idk how accurate any of the shit i wrote was bc idk anything about dnd lmao 
> 
> thank u so much to the people who helped me develop this and gave me feedback, i appreciate it so much and thank u so much for taking the time to read this ily
> 
> u can find me @blupsjeans on tumblr


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